#9 - The Want-To

by James Baker

A few years ago, Santa brought a couple of acoustic guitars down our chimney; one for me, and one for my oldest son, Patton.  I had a brief fantasy that we were going to be the male version of The Judds, but promptly discovered that my 40+-year-old hands were a little too crispy and I didn’t have a cool performer name (like Merle or Justin or Gaga).  Combine that with the fact that I couldn’t get the whole ‘note’ and ‘chord progression’ thing, and my CMA ‘Entertainer of the Year’ acceptance speech would have to be shelved.  My interest was waning by the second, and after a few lessons and a discovery that Santa didn’t save his Guitar Center receipt, dad’s half of the musical duo made its way to the closet with all of the rest of his dead hobbies.  Patton, however, has persevered, as it just seems to be in his maternally-given blood.  I asked his guitar teacher how much natural talent was needed to have any modicum of success.  His answer surprised me. “Anyone can pick up guitar.  What you can’t pick up is the ‘want-to’.”  To his point, Patton and I started with the same skill level (zero), but I dropped out shortly after mastering the “e” chord, while Patton now has ‘Smoke On The Water’ down pat.  He will spend hours plucking his way through Lynyrd Skynyrd, AC/DC, and even a little ‘row, row, row your boat’ for good measure.  Simply put, he wants it. I don’t.

When I was newly married, I had a mentor that was teaching me what it meant to have a Christ-centered marriage.  The first time we sat down, he pulled out all sorts of pamphlets, papers, charts, and books and began to lay out the principles of all things husband-dom.  After about an hour, he woke me from my glassy-eyed stupor with something I’ve never forgotten.  “You know, all these things are just tools.  They’re meaningless unless you have some desire to use them.  The question is, do you want a better marriage?  And don’t answer too quickly, because your honest response will determine the success of your marriage.”

The question was not lost on me.  I mean, yeah, of course I wanted a better marriage…it’s not like I wanted a worse one.  But at what cost?  Was I willing to sacrifice, to put my own selfishness aside for more than five minutes, and do the necessary work it took to love my wife well.  In short, did I have the ‘want-to’?  The answer, for the most part, was – and still is – yes.  But sixteen years later, I still have to ask myself the same question.

And it applies to most everything I consider essential.  Sure, I want to be a better writer, but do I really want it?  Am I willing to come into the office two hours earlier, stare at a blinking cursor for half that time, then bang out a page of muddled blather – just to get a sentence or two of something that seems readable?  I want to be a better dad, but how badly?  Enough to forgo a re-run of ‘The Office’ that I’ve seen fifteen times already, and dive into a round of 20 Questions over some James Coney Island with my boys?  I desperately want to hear the raucous applause when crossing the finish line of the Houston Marathon in January, but do I want to hear the barren echo of feet pounding the pavement at 5 am in July?  (actually, that one’s easy to answer)

I can say all day long that I’m a well-rounded individual with tons of great hobbies; my closet would suggest otherwise.  I can also tell you that I love God with all my heart.  That I would lay my life down for Him and His cause.  That I am willing to go wherever He leads me and love whomever He puts in my path.  But what would my work ethic say?  My bank statement?  My neighbor?  I’ve long ago made peace with the fact that I am not equipped to be a great man of God.  But I have to ask myself, “Do I have the ‘want-to’?”

And I can’t answer too quickly.  Because my response will determine the success of the only thing that really matters.